Borderline is not an easy thing to have. I will be the first to tell you that. It has taken me a long time to realize that despite the fact that it can be a curse, it is also something beautiful. A sort of superpower. I only realized this, this past summer. I forgot it after a big trauma but, I’m now realizing it again. I know a lot of you may not believe me, but let me tell you how I see it.
Although I so often fall from grace, and yes that hurts, it fucking hurts more than anything, I also touch the heavens. Without falling, you can’t fly. These intense emotions, are beautiful in a sense, I feel more deeply than most. I love with all my being. Because of them, I can see in all the beautiful colors. Because of it, I know not to waste a moment of this finite life, to make most of my time. I know that those rare beautiful moments, are worth holding onto. That the little things in life, like a beautiful day or holding hands or the smell of the air after a summer shower are what’s important. That materialistic things won’t make you happy but the substance of good people and beautiful times, whether happy or sad because they mean something, in some way. Because they brought you to this exact moment, to these people in your life.
With BPD, doesn’t just come these intense emotions. I also have superpowers. I have the sharpest tongue I know. I know that could also be a bad thing but in my life, the things that have happened, the hurtful, traumatizing things. I’ve learned to stand up for myself and my words cut like a knife. I cut like a razor with my words. I always say, no one can win an argument with a Borderline or anyone who dares start a fight with one better be prepared for what will happen. I will use my words to not only protect myself but people I love and I’m good, I know I’m good.
I have the ability to love with every inch of my being, to fall in love so easily and to jump right in, while a lot of people hesitate. They stay guarded but I give myself, all of myself. Not afraid of love and relationships or giving myself to someone completely.
The greatest superpower is the ability to care and have empathy because I know. I know on the deepest level and I don’t want anyone to hurt. I feel so deeply that I would never want anyone to feel bad. That is why, why I’m not afraid to tell my story, why I want to go into the psych field as a nurse, why I do this. Because if my story, my art, can touch just one person, I’ve done enough. All I’ve ever wanted to do was help people.
So maybe having this, being mentally ill, in any way, is not completely terrible because it brought you here, it made you, you. Sometimes you just need to change your perspective. See things from a different view. You know sometimes, I will lay on my bed upside down, just to change my perspective.
-B.
12-17-17
borderlifer 